cause its a lie that sets you free (":

Back in a place where I was just me.

I find myself back in the same town after so long, nothing much has changed apart from the fact that you're no longer here; its sad isn't it?

I almost bumped into you on Monday in Midvalley, but we didn't. What would've happened if we really did meet no one knows, but I guess our luck has really reached its end this time.

These few months, I've experienced every emotion, tumbled over every fall, but now I guess I kinda feel calmer now.

I'll never regret being with you, loving you and giving up myself for you and I sincerely wish you the best for your future, even though I won't be a part of it anymore but I guess you really are the apple of my eye.

I guess we were both too immature to take it to the end. Living here now without you is sad and does hurt, but I guess this is the end.

Maybe in the parallel universe, we're together (:

Maybe in another life baby, maybe in another time my love (:

Im trying hard to smile, but sometimes it hurts so bad. I hope you'll do better than me (:

saying I dont love you, though it kills me; cause its a lie that sets you free

Tomorrow's Mystery

I’m here tonight, holding your picture with my back against the wall. Now I’m all alone thinking about you and there’s nothing I can do.

Which way now? Should I go or should I stay?

I knew things would go bad the second those five words came out, but everything happened so fast that neither of us could seize it. I laid my head on my wet pillow as I turned the other side; hoping that maybe tonight I’d be able to get some sleep.

We sat side by side with her arms wrapped around me in the dark cinema, while the movie continued on the wide screen before us. Her beautiful eyes were transfixed on the romance that was just beginning to unfolding between the characters, while secretly mine were watching hers. She was a young and cheerful girl that always had a smile painted on her lovely face, caring like a mother and loved me like no other. She was everything a guy could ever want in a girl and she was mine.

I closed my eyes to find myself in the same dark empty space where our memories used to occupy. It was no longer lit with her smile nor was it decorated with our pictures; all that was left was just this empty space. I called out to her through the darkness, but only silence replied me. I slowly made my way through the darkness, trying to feel for the slightest touch of support, but nothing was in reach but cold thin air.

For the both of us to be studying in the same school must’ve been the luckiest thing that I could have. Although we were in different classes but we always pulled through. Our days were long and tiring but we still managed to get back together every day after school to share our experiences, to once again be united in a divided world. I stood there, at the main entrance of the school’s foyer, waiting for her classes to finish while the rest of the students walked pass me, one by one, couple by couple, yet I still stood there waiting, waiting for her to come, just to see her cheerful smile.

Walking through the darkness I continued calling out to her; still no answer. For the first time in my life, I felt utterly lonely. Where could she be? My feet cautiously edged its way forward, as my hands scouted around me; the silence was deafening. My right foot kicked upon what seemed to be a rock with a soft thud before the ground beneath me gave it, before I knew it I falling, falling into darkness once again.

She was my one and only, the only person that held the key to my heart. There wasn’t a thing that I wouldn’t tell her because she was everything. We had the happiest moments together even when the times were hard; we lived our life, laughed at it and loved it. No matter how hard it, her one smile was enough to brighten my day, and motivate me to push for greater heights for her and for us.

Our lives were always entangled in between each other and no matter what happened we always found ourselves in each other’s arms in the end, however this time I wasn’t as sure as to what was to come. All I knew was that I was falling, deeper and deeper into the darkness beneath me into the unknown.

All Hail His Majesty.

“Ready your weapons!”

Swords were raised and shields were held tight. Every soldier knew the reason they were there and exactly what they were fighting for. It was now or never. Today was the day that would determine the fate of their race. Their faces were painted, not with fear but with pride as they held their national flag high towards the sky. The battlefield was set, the China’s forces would attack the enemy from two directions, forcing the enemy to split their man power; it was all well planned. From the north, an infantry army of ten thousand built men of all shapes and sizes stood in three even squares on top of the hill overlooking their beloved capital city – Beijing, which was captured by their enemy – the Great Britain army. While another army of ten thousand men would attack from the south with heavy machinery from the woods behind the capital. It wouldn’t be an easy task, as the capital fortress had the strongest wall and had plenty of shooting holes for archers to prevent trespassers from nearing, but it was their home and they were determined to get her back. With every breath they took, the flame within their hearts burned brighter; morale rising to its peak, they were ready.

Two countries that were once friends had now become sworn enemies. The people were too foolish to differentiate themselves from the westerners and many decided that integrating was the nobler choice. Traditional Chinese hawker stores became western burger stalls as people laid down their chopsticks to pick up a fork and a knife, which slit a line right through our culture and heritage. Little did they all know the consequences that awaited them at the finish line.

“Charge the enemy!”

Running down the hill increased our momentum. It wasn’t long before we came within range of the enemy’s archers. I held my shield high above the ground to shield my face from the incoming shower of arrows. I cautiously made my way forward; with my shield blocking my vision, my only hope was to navigate using the ground beneath me. Every “swish” that passed above me was followed by a soft “urgh”. I knew there was no turning back now; it was either do or die. Every patriotic soldier we lost was fuel to our cause, every friend that fell was a message for us to continue. I could hear our army roar as we charged forward to meet the enemy’s infantry unit.

When the westerners came, they brought their food, their culture and their heritage which did bring the people prosperity; they invited the gods - the gods of the demons. The Westerners food changed the people’s taste, and their culture corrupted the people’s morals and values, while their heritage stripped the people of their authentic identity.

Both armies collided. Swords clashed and blood was shred. I charged towards my target. He was a tall and solid European man, but for the sake of our dreams he had to be sacrificed. I clenched my fist around my sword, bracing the moment for it might as well be my last. Ten feet, 5 feet, 3 feet, I was in front of him and delivered a fatal slash to his unprotected right shoulder. He fell to the ground hard on his right side with his left hand on his bleeding shoulder. He was helpless as I closed in for the kill.

The people were propagated into becoming something that they weren’t. It happened so fast that it all seemed to happen within one night. They woke up to find their daughters puffing themselves with mascara, while their boys no longer went to work in the fields but stayed at home drinking liquor from round barrels. The westerners then introduced opium, an addictive drug to the adult men as a gift - a demon’s gift. From then onwards, the people’s god left them. They had lost their blessings for they had lost themselves, not to their enemies but to themselves.

We fought brave and hard, allowing the enemy no chance. Many of our men were hurt and killed, but we still moved forward. The fortress stood tall before me as I finally reached the main gates leading into fortress to aid my team in breaking through its solid wooden gates. The wooden swing was already in place. The team of 10 soldiers moved in sync to swing the humongous wooden trunk into the solid fortress door.

“Heave!” “Release!”

“Heave!” “Release!”

This battle was no coincidence. The people had lost every last drop of their authentic self among the waters of want. Before they knew it, their capital was taken away from them by the deceptive General Overture who deluded their Emperor into handing over his majesty’s capital in order to save his people from their treachery. Their majesty’s decision cost him his throne, leaving him to live as a normal citizen to join them all as commoners. It was then that they finally realized that they had changed, no, we all had changed.

“Bam!”

Finally the great wooden doors gave way. The army was in full charge at this moment. Our archers from the rear had begun firing arrows of fire into the archer holes of the wall, forcing the enemy archers to retreat out from its stronghold and into the battlefield. The fortress was completely surrounded by our overwhelming forces. My team and I slashed and stabbed our way through the enemy lines, clearing the path for the entrance of our cavalry.

We weren’t afraid of death for we were already dead within our souls the moment our capital was stolen away from us before our eyes, but right now those days were behind us. We were all in this together. Through fame and through shame, we were destined to fall down to our lowest in order for us to rise above all and recover our true sense of identity and belonging. Our people lacked the security within them for their race, we all lacked the sense of belonging with our own kind, that’s why we fell apart. Nonetheless, we have since evolved and learned from our mistakes, as when we were divided among us we fell, but today we stand here united as one group, one race and one nation.

“Charge my warriors! And together, we are invisible! For glory!”

“Yes! Your Majesty!”

The dream I lived.

I stood proudly on the stage in front of my Chinese dulcimer as a bowed towards the crowd, who were clapping frantically in their seats, it was another successful performance and the night was finally over. I walked through the side curtains of the stage and disappeared into the darkness of the corridor. For once in my life, I was happy, proud and satisfied.

Life wasn’t always as good like that; reality was harsh. I was a young musician in my school and I used to practice under the school’s orchestra which was composed mainly of western instruments such as the flute, clarinet, trumpet, well you get the point. I’ve always loved music and my childhood dream was always to one day become a famous musician, so I joined the orchestra the first year I was enrolled into the school.

Being the only Asian kid in the whole orchestra wasn’t as awkward as I thought at the beginning, right until we were asked to choose our desired instrument that we intended on learning, being the kid who loved strings, I chose the violin. The violin was a string type instrument that looked pretty much like a miniature cello, and even though my family said it was for girls, what did I care? It was the sole thing that I loved.

I practiced very hard to master the skills of my instrument however I could never really get the notes right, but it didn’t matter because I believed that “as long as you keep working on it, one day you’ll succeed”, which was foolish of me.

It didn’t matter how hard I tried or how long I practiced I still couldn’t get them right and my tutor was beginning to feel frustrated as everyone else had advanced into the next level, whereas I was still a beginner. Judging by the look on his face, I could see the impatience in his eyes bit he was a good teacher, he stayed with me after school to give me extra lessons just to help me catch up to the rest of the group, however I didn’t improve. I was pierced with disappointment and sorrow when my tutor revealled to my mother that I had no music talent at all and that I didn’t belong here with them. He advised her to send me to maybe book clubs instead. Those words slowly crushed my fragile heart into a million pieces; I was shattered.

For the next few days, I refused to go to school or even to leave my room. I felt that I had no purpose in life anymore; I had nothing left in me. If dreams made up a person then what is a person without a dream? What was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to be? I was lost.

I think my mother felt my despair as she offered to take me to have music lessons with private tutors, however it didn’t spark my interests anymore, and I was as dead as a zombie roaming streets in search of brains.

My search for my lost dream, my lost self didn’t end until my uncle came over from China. He was a musician himself and my mother thought that it’d be nice for him to come talk to me. My uncle wasn’t your typical musician who played the sax or the piano but rather he was the type who played exotic traditional Chinese instruments such as the Chinese Harp, Chinese Dulcimer and many others, he was the master of exotic instruments, During his visit, he had a show in the local community centre to showcase his talent with his main instrument, the Chinese Dulcimer which was a string instrument the size of a small table with 144 strings tied onto it; it was magnificent. Hence he offered to take me along as he thought that it might be interesting for me.

I sat in the front row with my family you support my uncle’s live performance in Melbourne. I must say, I wasn’t sure what might come out of this but I’m really glad that I took the chance to experience the euphoric melodies of the Chinese Dulcimer. The performance started with a classical song named “The High Green Mountains” which was a popular folk song back in the days. It sounded heavenly that I thought that I had fallen in love. For the first time in my life, I actually felt the music flowing through my blood, I’d never thought I’d see the day when I could live a song, cause at that moment I was on top of a green mountain.

The love bug had bitten me once again and I was on a prime time high; fully fuelled to embrace this new part of me. After the performance, I walked up to my uncle and shyly requested him to teach me, which he gladly did. It was hard at first but my uncle made sure I made progress. Learning the Chinese dulcimer was different from the violin, for some reason I felt more at ease with it and learning from someone who actually mastered the instrument but then again it might have also been because me and my uncle had a common mother tongue, which made it easier for me to relate to musical terms and skills. One thing for sure was that I had never felt at one with an instrument before in my life and I was thoroughly enjoying this experience. Finally, I felt that I once again belonged with music.

Its been 2 years since I started practicing the Chinese Dulcimer, since then I have improved tremendously and joined my uncle roaming the districts of Melbourne to perform, while still participating in a few orchestral concerts that have been a huge success. I owe it all to my uncle as he has made me feel that I belonged among the melodies of the tradition Chinese instruments and that’s who I have become to be.

This is my home, leave me alone.

Rain streamed down my dark black hair, soaking my shirt to its limits; slowly draining away every last drop of anger within me. I stood alone in the rain, listening to the soft patters of heaven’s tears upon the warm gravel as I allowed reality to replace my dreams. She said that I wasn’t the same as I used to be, well that wasn’t completely untrue. I stared into the puddle before me; the face that I now saw before me seemed to be a stranger even to myself. I don’t know, I don’t know. Why am I like this? I felt weak in my knees and reached out for support but my hands only grasped upon thin air as I fell back first onto the now cold gravel road.

Her warm touch awakened me from my deep sleep in the now empty ward. I could just manage to recognize the innocent smile on her face as she sat there silently smiling down upon me. I tried to get up but my weak body failed me. Her smile never left as she helped me to sit up. We hadn’t talked for almost half a year now, but she still looked as beautiful with her long silky black hair that fell perfectly without her trying. She hadn’t changed a bit since, still so caring, still so protective, sadly I had. At that moment, I finally realized that being true to one self in a world that is constantly trying to make you into something else was the greatest achievement that I would never achieve.

Two years ago, we were a loving couple, both living a happy and memorable life in Malaysia. We would spend the weekends together watching movies in the local cinema, I’d sit beside her with a box of popcorn while she’d snuggle up to me and tickle me once in a while to make sure that I was paying attention to the movie. We’d always be within an hour’s driving distance apart from each other and no matter where we adventured out into the world, we’d always come back into each other’s arms before the day ended to story each other of the exciting events that happened that day. Nothing in the world could be compared to my baby nothing could come between us and nothing could ever come above. She was my Juliet and I was her one and only Romeo, reality was a dream. A dream destined to shatter.

I had to leave Malaysia a year later to further my studies in a foreign country - Australia. She was torn in tears when I broke the news to her, but she supported me wholeheartedly with my decision as she kissed me goodbye at the busy airport terminal that night, promising to always keep in touch, praying that this distance wouldn’t be the reason to tear us apart.

I never knew that that day would be the last time that I’d see her. I would never have guessed that this move would affect more than just me. Since that day, a new chapter of my life began. Living in a foreign country, I was exposed to a whole new world, a world that I had never ever experienced in my whole entire life. People here kicked back and had fun throughout the weekdays playing pool with mates and then during the weekends they would have massive parties with alcohol by the poolside. This world seemed so surreal, yet I couldn’t wait to embrace this newfound freedom.

I was a typical 18 year old Asian teenager, who didn’t go out, didn’t drink alcohol, didn’t flirt with other girls and studied most of his time away, hence I didn’t have much of a social life. However, being the new kid in college always attracted the attention of the students in the same year level and so new people began to walk into my life. Justin was my first friend that I met during Chemistry class. He was a friendly and an open minded guy, although he wasn’t smart but he was surely social able with everyone in the college and pretty popular among the girls. He was always up for a party no matter the time and always dreamed of someday marrying a hot chick called Jessica Alba, whoever that was. He was the total opposite of me but he was my only friend in class and so he introduced me to his group of party people and it wasn’t long before I had found myself hanging around with his group of party people.

I still remember my first kick back session with his group of peers; it was definitely awkward as the only topics that they would talk about were girls, cars and gym routines. For the first time in my life, I felt total disconnected to society. It was then that I realized, I needed to adapt in order to survive in this new society, thus I began to go to the gym, I started reading on cars and I even started checking out other girls just so that I wouldn’t seem so different, so that I could at least feel a tad bit more accepted into the society I was in.

Months passed by and before I knew it, I was living my life by the pool with a bottle of beer in my right hand and a automobile magazine in my left. After going to the gym so much, I now had a perfect “V” figure that girls couldn’t get enough of and my knowledge in automobiles was enough for me to beat an intermediate mechanic while my cell would be on constant vibrate throughout the day. Life was the bomb.

As the saying goes, when you gain something, you always lose something. I gained a new life in a foreign place but in turn I unintentionally lost the life I used to have. One night, the love of my life decided she couldn’t take all the pain from my flirty attitude towards other girls anymore and choose to leave me behind. It didn’t hurt me as much in the start, but I guess love is a slow poison. As the days went by and the poison slowly sunk into my heart, I began to feel my lost.

I woke up one night from another hangover to find myself confronted by a stranger in the mirror. His bedroom was decorated with posters of hot chicks and Ferrari’s, but that wasn’t my room. He was wearing a pair of Playboy boxers, but they weren’t mine. He had huge muscles and the perfect body, but that wasn’t me. I slowly glanced up at his face. The face before me wasn’t mine at all, it had red cheeks from the all the alcohol and had a foul odor coming from him that made me want to puke. I totally freaked out, screaming as I dashed out of my room.

The living room I was in was filled not with books but with weights; this couldn’t be my place. I found myself once again lost without a trace. I ran back into “my” room and started ripping all the posters off the bedroom wall; one by one they fell to the ground. I was in fury as I strived to cleanse these foreign parts of me. I slashed at my wall with all my might, but suddenly something on the wall made me stop. It was a picture of me and her on the wall that was buried beneath all those posters. It stood proud and tall on the clear wall. Staring at that photo, I found myself feeling relaxed at the sight of something that was actually mine. I slowly sat back onto my bed and stared through the window opposite me into the dark wet streets. What have I become?

Staring down at the lonely streets, I saw a lady beneath the lamp post in the rain smiling at me with the same smile that my ex-girlfriend had. I could have sworn that the lady was her. I ran out of my apartment building at full sprint but to no avail, only an empty street awaited me. I stood there, with no place to go. The rain showered down upon me and soaked my shirt as I stared at the stranger before me in the clear puddle – myself.

The beauty and the beast

The fragrance from her golden hair made me feel like it was spring again, as I held her tightly in my arms. I didn’t want to let go of the only person that mattered to me, but she gently pushed me away. She stared at me for one last time with those eyes that could light up the dark night’s sky and gave me a light peck on the cheek before she turned around and walked away. Watching her leave me, was the hardest thing that I had ever had to do in my life. My eyes followed her steps as she paved the walkway towards her little pink house on the corner of Heaven Street.

Her name was Britney. She was the first and only girl to walk into my life, my first relationship, my first love. We met in college and she was my first lab-partner. We were both science enthusiasts and loved to watch dance performances by famous crews such as Quest crew and Poreotix. We would always be head down researching in the lab, while we’d be busy chattering about our experiences and interests during breaks, she was my missing puzzle piece. We’d known each for almost a year before I charged my courage to ask her out to our annual ball, which of course she gladly accepted; I was the happiest man alive just to hear that one word, “yes”. I could still remember her in her bright red dress accompanied by a stylish black handbag with heels of the matching color, she looked irresistibly gorgeous; one glance and I thought I had mistaken her for an angel from above. Ever since our last encounter at the ball, she was constantly on my mind like a love song on replay, she became my reason to dream.

It was a Friday night after the lab was empty that I confessed my feelings towards her with a red paper rose in my hands. I was so nervous that I asked if she liked frogs before I managed to roll those 3 words off my tongue. She stood there staring at me for a moment, with an expression that I had never seen before. My heart began to beat out of rhythm and I was beginning to regret this whole act and that it was a stupid decision to confess when she finally broke the silence with “I don’t really like frogs, but I do like you.” She replied, with a sweet smile across her face. I couldn’t believe my ears that I had to ask the stupidest question ever, “Really?” which made her smile turn into a tiny laugh. She held my hand and pulled me closer to her, she whispered into my ears, “I love you”. Our relationship started at the moment, the two of us, a 19 year old nerdy Asian guy with a 18 year old beautiful Aussie girl, it kind of felt like a parody of “The beauty and the beast”, but what did I care? I was on cloud nine!

We had many unforgettable moments throughout our relationship, we would hang out under the sun and enjoy each other’s company during the day and talk till we fell asleep on the phone at night. She was the apple to my pie, the sun that shone every morning, she was the one for me, and we were the perfect two. One night, we were lying on the grass in the park outside staring at the stars. She laid on my chest as we were talking about the story of our lives to each other. When she brought up the topic of family, she began telling me about how her family was Christian and how they would always go to church on Sunday mornings and asked if I would one day go to church with her as it was her family tradition. I was a free-thinker and thought that it was a great idea and agreed to go with her the following Sunday.

I reached home that night and told my parents about my decision to start going to Sunday masses at my girlfriend’s church; they were furious. My father strongly disapproved of my childish decision and started ranting about how the goddess “Guan Yin” was the only true god and that as Chinese people we should only believe in what our ancestors had set out for us, it was against our culture to do so. My mother was filled with grieve and said that I was influenced by my Aussie girlfriend and that she was the “devil” that had turned me into the person I am now. I was astonished to hear these words and refused to accept their opinion and stomped to my room, slamming the door behind me. What was their problem? I should be able to make my own decisions and choices, I’m old enough now!

I woke up the next day in the same room, but an empty room with just my bed in the middle of the bare room. I rubbed my eyes, trying to make sure that I had woken up from my dreams but to no avail I was still in a barren room. I walked out of my room into the living room, which seemed to be exactly the same as last night, however no one was at home. “Beeeep! Beeeep!” came from outside, I recognized the familiar text alert coming from my Samsung touch phone coming from the other side of the front door. My senses were on high alert this time as to what might be on the other side. I slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open. I couldn’t believe my eyes! All my personal belongings and even my school books were all trashed outside on the pavement with a note on my laptop which wrote, “If you want to go against our ancestors, they will punish you. If you choose to challenge them, then you are no longer apart of the “Chan” family.

I was lost for words. I looked up to find my dad staring at me from the garage door with his arms crossed, his expression was stone cold as he pointed towards the taxi that had been waiting by the roadside in front of our house. I tried to reason with him, but he stuck to his decision, it was either I break with my Aussie girlfriend and never see her again or I step out from this house and never have a family again. I was boiling with anger, how could he do this! I was going to grab my belongings into the taxi when my little sister came out from the house and asked me, “Brother, where are you going with all your stuff? Are you leaving me?” I felt my heart ache; there was nothing I could do. I didn’t have a job, I couldn’t survive on my own, I didn’t have anywhere to go, should I have gone to my girl friend’s place and asked them to take me in might have been a possible alternative but what was I to do from then? I decided to stay and thought that maybe the both of us could escape the differences between our cultures and traditions.
Hands over my head, I found myself wondering what else could go wrong. I sat in my room with my belongings lying scattered on my floor. I picked up my phone to call my girl and the moment she picked up I spilled my heart to her about what had just happened and told her that I didn’t want to go to church with her anymore. The line fell silent. “Is there something wrong?” I asked. “But, I believe in god, you don’t but I do! I think I need some time and space for awhile.” I could hear soft sniffs coming from the other end of the line, I knew she was upset but the events that followed were as I had expected.

A few days later, she called me and asked me to meet her at the usual park outside her place. I arrived at the park and saw her sitting by herself on a bench underneath the tree where we had our first kiss. I walked over to give her a hug but she pushed me away. She stood up and handed me a note. It wrote “You’re a great guy Han, you’ve always been there for me, but I don’t think that our parents would approve of us any longer. We’re so close yet we’re seas apart, I’m sorry.” Tears flowed down my cheeks like waterfalls as I looked up from the small note. She stared at me with her teary eyes. We embraced each other in a hug, our very last hug. I held her tightly in my arms. I didn’t want to let go of the only person that mattered to me, but she gently pushed me away.

Who am I?

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock slicing through my silent room. My eyes strained to open but were immediately blinded by the invading beams of sunlight that pierced through the window blinds, yet I still had to leave my sweet slumber to reach out for another day’s work.

The state of Victoria – the place to be, was never the place for me. Ever since I was introduced into this world, Australia would always be the place where others could relate as home, however I couldn’t. I was torn between my Asian heritage and the Aussie way of life. My Asian culture, tradition and language were so heavily drilled into my mind that I couldn’t help but attract onlookers with my typical Asian “teeny bopper” hairstyle, squinty eyes and my thick Asian slang that surfaced whenever I spoke in English. Was it embarrassing? No, but it did make me feel different.

I worked in a gaming shop known as “EB Games” in my local shopping mall with a group of Aussie boys. We were all about the same age and had similar gaming interests; we were all massive fans of first person shooter games that our manager would request that we test out the latest Call of Duty games before it went onto the shelves. We would spend most of the day in the store working and then when the sky got dark and the stars blanketed the skies, we’d transform to become the loyal soldiers of “COD” and camp in front of our computers all night just trying to outdo each other. “That’s how we roll” would be Ray’s signature phrase whenever we won a match in COD and that’s how we rolled. We were great colleagues at work and best mates in real life, I felt that finally my life had a bright turn; I was wrong.

I reached the store a tad bit earlier than everyone else, the mall wasn’t at its usual lively state but rather it had a gloomy scene to it. The lights were dim and the air was still, not a sound could be heard and it seems that the corridors stretched into infinity and beyond. I sat by the dead fountain in front of the store, staring at the Chinese antique shop that stood tall beside it. I was always intrigued by the historical Chinese warfare that involved legendary warriors that used swords and spears to compliment their amazing martial art abilities in their mortal combat to gain control over the whole of China. My eyes danced from the ancient weapons to the traditional paper fans that were hung on the wall. It reminded me of “popo” my grandmother, who would always have one handy in her purse and would teach me how to make them from scratch. She was a simple lady who preferred the simplicity of life and wished to stay with the rest of the family in China than move overseas with us. Our stay in China with her during the last holiday really made an impact on me. Living in the country where my heritage originated deepened my understanding of myself and where I come from, maybe this is the reason I find it difficult to integrate myself into the Aussie life.

I saw a man stoned in the distance. His eyes were transfixed on what seemed to be an old piece of crumpled paper hanging upon the wall. The lights flickered above me as I edged myself along the cold walls towards him. It took me a few steps further to recognize that thick black hair with his long sideburns covering the arms of his supersized glasses. He was always a cheerful kid who had a smile that would make people stop and stare for awhile, a person who was inescapable and unshakeable. “What’s up with the kid today?” I wondered as I walked past him silently, trying not to distract him from his thoughts and opened the door for another week of business.

The crackling sound of the shop’s shutters plunged me back into depths of reality. I felt the manager’s eyes spying upon me through the gaps in between the shelves, which I tried to avoid at all cost and shoved my way into the staff room at the back. The mall was located at the intersection of 3 suburbs which were filled with people from all around the world; there were Aussies, Europeans, Arabs and of course us Asians. It wasn’t hard to find this job here in this small outlet, but what I found to be challenging was the day-to-day interactions with our customers who seemed to be friendly yet abusive at times. Nonetheless, I was doing something I loved and that was all that mattered, which I thought.

Scrolling through the shelves filled with computer games I came across a middle-aged man who seemed to be searching for a game console as a present for his young teenager. I made my way towards him with a cheerful grin painted across my face and confidently asked the man if I could be of service. Apparently he had trouble reading the price tag off one of the boxes displayed with his inch-thick glasses and gratefully handed me the box to examine it myself. Prices in-store was at my finger tips and I was privileged to be of service and having yet another satisfied customer leaving our stores with a great smile. Business was going on smoothly until a lady with Ray Ban shades covering her eyes came up to the cashier complaining about her recent purchase of a Play Station 3. The console was in irreparable condition that you could barely read see the PS3 logo printed on top, still she insisted that I replaced her with a spanking new console. I was caught off-guard by the sudden onrush and found myself standing there dumbfounded and lost for words. I guess she sensed my hesitation and pounced for her next attack, “If you don’t understand English, go back to China! I want this replaced!” These words took awhile to sink into my coagulated skull, as I stood there petrified with shock. The manager came to my rescue as he escorted the furious lady to the service department, leaving me to tend to my wounds in the corner. “What just happened?” seemed to just roll through my mind like a stereo on replay. For the first time in my life, I felt I wasn’t accepted.

I dragged my feet for the rest of the day, reminiscing upon the days when I used to be proud to be called an “ABC” which stood for “Australian born Chinese”, nevertheless those words had a new meaning now. The manager tried to cheer me up by letting me off an hour earlier that day, but that only made me feel even worst; I needed company, I didn’t want to be alone in this world. I left the store and made my way to the grocery store a few lots ahead to grab some groceries for the week. Along the way, every time the word “asian” passed me by, it was constantly being redefined and reconstructed in my mind as what it should mean and what it was perceived to be. I was a living zombie as I walked through the aisles that I accidentally bumped into a little kid who was running towards me with a tub of ice-cream tucked tightly under his tiny arms. His shoulder rammed into my left thigh and fell hard to the ground on his side, his tub of ice-cream spilled all over the floor. I regained my senses and immediately went to help the kid; he was alright apart from his spilled tub of ice-cream which I said I would pay for him. His mother who heard the loud “thud” came rushing to protect her baby like a lioness guarding her cub. Her eyes went from her baby to the tub of spilled vanilla ice-cream to me who stood there helplessly staring at them. Her stares were like spears piercing through my body, as I could feel her anger rising, she finally blew her top with “God damn Asian! Don’t you wear your eyes when you walk?!” I was staring at her blankly, when she went on saying “Open your damn eyes when I’m talk to you!” I felt fear, I felt hopeless, I felt helpless. My mind was ordering me to fight back, to give her a taste of her own medicine, but my legs reacted faster. I dropped my groceries and darted out of the store as fast as I could.

I didn’t want to know what happened to that spilled box of ice-cream, nor did I want to care about what happened to the groceries that I dropped on the floor, I didn’t want to hear what else the lady would’ve said and I couldn’t bare the gazes of the onlookers. I ran and ran till I reached the car park when it began to rain. The voices in my mind ceased as the faint splattering drops soon came showering down from the heavens. The rain soaked my thick black hair and made small droplets of water roll down my cheeks, or were they tears? Alone in the middle of an open space where I wouldn’t be judged or stereotyped as different, the loneliness completed me, for once I felt that being alone was the best company I could afford. I found a tree and sat there before a puddle of water, a mirror made by mother nature for her inhabitants as a constant reminder of what they are and who they have become. The image I saw in front of me disgusted me to the depths of the Mariana Trench. “Who am I? An “Australian born Chinese” or just “Another Badass Chinaman”? Was I that different from everyone else that I had to have a label on me written – I am Asian?

I lifted my head from my hands and watched as the last car left the now empty car park, it was a white Toyota Camry Ateva, it turned to towards the exit. I tried to look away but a sentence above the car’s registration number caught my attention, it wrote “Victoria – The place to be” and I laughed because it was definitely not the place for me.