The state of Victoria – the place to be, was never the place for me. Ever since I was introduced into this world, Australia would always be the place where others could relate as home, however I couldn’t. I was torn between my Asian heritage and the Aussie way of life. My Asian culture, tradition and language were so heavily drilled into my mind that I couldn’t help but attract onlookers with my typical Asian “teeny bopper” hairstyle, squinty eyes and my thick Asian slang that surfaced whenever I spoke in English. Was it embarrassing? No, but it did make me feel different.
I worked in a gaming shop known as “EB Games” in my local shopping mall with a group of Aussie boys. We were all about the same age and had similar gaming interests; we were all massive fans of first person shooter games that our manager would request that we test out the latest Call of Duty games before it went onto the shelves. We would spend most of the day in the store working and then when the sky got dark and the stars blanketed the skies, we’d transform to become the loyal soldiers of “COD” and camp in front of our computers all night just trying to outdo each other. “That’s how we roll” would be Ray’s signature phrase whenever we won a match in COD and that’s how we rolled. We were great colleagues at work and best mates in real life, I felt that finally my life had a bright turn; I was wrong.
I reached the store a tad bit earlier than everyone else, the mall wasn’t at its usual lively state but rather it had a gloomy scene to it. The lights were dim and the air was still, not a sound could be heard and it seems that the corridors stretched into infinity and beyond. I sat by the dead fountain in front of the store, staring at the Chinese antique shop that stood tall beside it. I was always intrigued by the historical Chinese warfare that involved legendary warriors that used swords and spears to compliment their amazing martial art abilities in their mortal combat to gain control over the whole of China. My eyes danced from the ancient weapons to the traditional paper fans that were hung on the wall. It reminded me of “popo” my grandmother, who would always have one handy in her purse and would teach me how to make them from scratch. She was a simple lady who preferred the simplicity of life and wished to stay with the rest of the family in China than move overseas with us. Our stay in China with her during the last holiday really made an impact on me. Living in the country where my heritage originated deepened my understanding of myself and where I come from, maybe this is the reason I find it difficult to integrate myself into the Aussie life.
I saw a man stoned in the distance. His eyes were transfixed on what seemed to be an old piece of crumpled paper hanging upon the wall. The lights flickered above me as I edged myself along the cold walls towards him. It took me a few steps further to recognize that thick black hair with his long sideburns covering the arms of his supersized glasses. He was always a cheerful kid who had a smile that would make people stop and stare for awhile, a person who was inescapable and unshakeable. “What’s up with the kid today?” I wondered as I walked past him silently, trying not to distract him from his thoughts and opened the door for another week of business.
The crackling sound of the shop’s shutters plunged me back into depths of reality. I felt the manager’s eyes spying upon me through the gaps in between the shelves, which I tried to avoid at all cost and shoved my way into the staff room at the back. The mall was located at the intersection of 3 suburbs which were filled with people from all around the world; there were Aussies, Europeans, Arabs and of course us Asians. It wasn’t hard to find this job here in this small outlet, but what I found to be challenging was the day-to-day interactions with our customers who seemed to be friendly yet abusive at times. Nonetheless, I was doing something I loved and that was all that mattered, which I thought.
Scrolling through the shelves filled with computer games I came across a middle-aged man who seemed to be searching for a game console as a present for his young teenager. I made my way towards him with a cheerful grin painted across my face and confidently asked the man if I could be of service. Apparently he had trouble reading the price tag off one of the boxes displayed with his inch-thick glasses and gratefully handed me the box to examine it myself. Prices in-store was at my finger tips and I was privileged to be of service and having yet another satisfied customer leaving our stores with a great smile. Business was going on smoothly until a lady with Ray Ban shades covering her eyes came up to the cashier complaining about her recent purchase of a Play Station 3. The console was in irreparable condition that you could barely read see the PS3 logo printed on top, still she insisted that I replaced her with a spanking new console. I was caught off-guard by the sudden onrush and found myself standing there dumbfounded and lost for words. I guess she sensed my hesitation and pounced for her next attack, “If you don’t understand English, go back to China! I want this replaced!” These words took awhile to sink into my coagulated skull, as I stood there petrified with shock. The manager came to my rescue as he escorted the furious lady to the service department, leaving me to tend to my wounds in the corner. “What just happened?” seemed to just roll through my mind like a stereo on replay. For the first time in my life, I felt I wasn’t accepted.
I dragged my feet for the rest of the day, reminiscing upon the days when I used to be proud to be called an “ABC” which stood for “Australian born Chinese”, nevertheless those words had a new meaning now. The manager tried to cheer me up by letting me off an hour earlier that day, but that only made me feel even worst; I needed company, I didn’t want to be alone in this world. I left the store and made my way to the grocery store a few lots ahead to grab some groceries for the week. Along the way, every time the word “asian” passed me by, it was constantly being redefined and reconstructed in my mind as what it should mean and what it was perceived to be. I was a living zombie as I walked through the aisles that I accidentally bumped into a little kid who was running towards me with a tub of ice-cream tucked tightly under his tiny arms. His shoulder rammed into my left thigh and fell hard to the ground on his side, his tub of ice-cream spilled all over the floor. I regained my senses and immediately went to help the kid; he was alright apart from his spilled tub of ice-cream which I said I would pay for him. His mother who heard the loud “thud” came rushing to protect her baby like a lioness guarding her cub. Her eyes went from her baby to the tub of spilled vanilla ice-cream to me who stood there helplessly staring at them. Her stares were like spears piercing through my body, as I could feel her anger rising, she finally blew her top with “God damn Asian! Don’t you wear your eyes when you walk?!” I was staring at her blankly, when she went on saying “Open your damn eyes when I’m talk to you!” I felt fear, I felt hopeless, I felt helpless. My mind was ordering me to fight back, to give her a taste of her own medicine, but my legs reacted faster. I dropped my groceries and darted out of the store as fast as I could.
I didn’t want to know what happened to that spilled box of ice-cream, nor did I want to care about what happened to the groceries that I dropped on the floor, I didn’t want to hear what else the lady would’ve said and I couldn’t bare the gazes of the onlookers. I ran and ran till I reached the car park when it began to rain. The voices in my mind ceased as the faint splattering drops soon came showering down from the heavens. The rain soaked my thick black hair and made small droplets of water roll down my cheeks, or were they tears? Alone in the middle of an open space where I wouldn’t be judged or stereotyped as different, the loneliness completed me, for once I felt that being alone was the best company I could afford. I found a tree and sat there before a puddle of water, a mirror made by mother nature for her inhabitants as a constant reminder of what they are and who they have become. The image I saw in front of me disgusted me to the depths of the Mariana Trench. “Who am I? An “Australian born Chinese” or just “Another Badass Chinaman”? Was I that different from everyone else that I had to have a label on me written – I am Asian?
I lifted my head from my hands and watched as the last car left the now empty car park, it was a white Toyota Camry Ateva, it turned to towards the exit. I tried to look away but a sentence above the car’s registration number caught my attention, it wrote “Victoria – The place to be” and I laughed because it was definitely not the place for me.
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