You’re sitting in your room, door locked. You have a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper in front of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again for the third time in the past hour. “To my family” you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter - your suicide letter.

You try again, start over, again and again, but you don’t know where to begin. No one understands you; No one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody. It’s night, and you slip into bed. “Goodbye” you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breath and end it all. Nobody cares, right? Well you thought wrong.

It’s 7:21 on the following morning. It’s a Tuesday! Your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her; She doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes into your room.

Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she has which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; Calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other hand is on your mother’s back.

Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said “no,” to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right? It’s 8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door and it’s the school principal. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; All the students worried. What’s going on? The principal later announces about your suicide.

The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework and treat you like crap, he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you. The one that always threw things at you, he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself for all those times she’d scream at you for not having your homework, or not listening in class.

People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated, even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right? Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them you’re gone, forever. Your little sister, no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff. She always loved you, and saw you as her hero; Her role model. She now starts to blame herself; Why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she told me not to? That is all my fault, she says to herself.

Your brother gets home, the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; Mad at himself he caused your death in some ways. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things. He doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone, forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has been sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain they’re feeling. Your father has depression; Your mother hasn’t slept for nights, she believes it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework, now cuts. But nobody cares about you, am I right?

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days trying to clean up your things. But she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Not ever! Its your funeral. It’s a big one - Everybody comes. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; You’re now somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t and can’t.

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they still care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today, or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today it stops your pain, but it hurts everyone who loves you. Suicide is the easy way out, but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have it’s ups and downs and everyone has their bad days.

Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life. Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself - How would the people that love you feel ? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: Tears, tears, & more tears. Devastation, guilt, pain, broken, regret, miserable.

人要先学会从众，再学会与众不同；
先学会复杂，再学会简单；
先学会爱自己，再学会爱别人；
先学会爱亲人，再学会爱朋友；
先学会怎样生活，再学会体验生活；
先学会做人，再学会做官；
先要求自己，再要求别人；
先学会适应，再学会独立。

Semester 2 in Monash University

In a few hours, my semester 2 will begin.

I really need to get back on my feet. Get back to my daily schedule. I need to learn to stand back on my two feet now. (:

A new semester. A new start on  academics.

Push on through Jay. Just keep running forward (:

cause its a lie that sets you free (":

Back in a place where I was just me.

I find myself back in the same town after so long, nothing much has changed apart from the fact that you're no longer here; its sad isn't it?

I almost bumped into you on Monday in Midvalley, but we didn't. What would've happened if we really did meet no one knows, but I guess our luck has really reached its end this time.

These few months, I've experienced every emotion, tumbled over every fall, but now I guess I kinda feel calmer now.

I'll never regret being with you, loving you and giving up myself for you and I sincerely wish you the best for your future, even though I won't be a part of it anymore but I guess you really are the apple of my eye.

I guess we were both too immature to take it to the end. Living here now without you is sad and does hurt, but I guess this is the end.

Maybe in the parallel universe, we're together (:

Maybe in another life baby, maybe in another time my love (:

Im trying hard to smile, but sometimes it hurts so bad. I hope you'll do better than me (:

saying I dont love you, though it kills me; cause its a lie that sets you free

Tomorrow's Mystery

I’m here tonight, holding your picture with my back against the wall. Now I’m all alone thinking about you and there’s nothing I can do.

Which way now? Should I go or should I stay?

I knew things would go bad the second those five words came out, but everything happened so fast that neither of us could seize it. I laid my head on my wet pillow as I turned the other side; hoping that maybe tonight I’d be able to get some sleep.

We sat side by side with her arms wrapped around me in the dark cinema, while the movie continued on the wide screen before us. Her beautiful eyes were transfixed on the romance that was just beginning to unfolding between the characters, while secretly mine were watching hers. She was a young and cheerful girl that always had a smile painted on her lovely face, caring like a mother and loved me like no other. She was everything a guy could ever want in a girl and she was mine.

I closed my eyes to find myself in the same dark empty space where our memories used to occupy. It was no longer lit with her smile nor was it decorated with our pictures; all that was left was just this empty space. I called out to her through the darkness, but only silence replied me. I slowly made my way through the darkness, trying to feel for the slightest touch of support, but nothing was in reach but cold thin air.

For the both of us to be studying in the same school must’ve been the luckiest thing that I could have. Although we were in different classes but we always pulled through. Our days were long and tiring but we still managed to get back together every day after school to share our experiences, to once again be united in a divided world. I stood there, at the main entrance of the school’s foyer, waiting for her classes to finish while the rest of the students walked pass me, one by one, couple by couple, yet I still stood there waiting, waiting for her to come, just to see her cheerful smile.

Walking through the darkness I continued calling out to her; still no answer. For the first time in my life, I felt utterly lonely. Where could she be? My feet cautiously edged its way forward, as my hands scouted around me; the silence was deafening. My right foot kicked upon what seemed to be a rock with a soft thud before the ground beneath me gave it, before I knew it I falling, falling into darkness once again.

She was my one and only, the only person that held the key to my heart. There wasn’t a thing that I wouldn’t tell her because she was everything. We had the happiest moments together even when the times were hard; we lived our life, laughed at it and loved it. No matter how hard it, her one smile was enough to brighten my day, and motivate me to push for greater heights for her and for us.

Our lives were always entangled in between each other and no matter what happened we always found ourselves in each other’s arms in the end, however this time I wasn’t as sure as to what was to come. All I knew was that I was falling, deeper and deeper into the darkness beneath me into the unknown.